Heartfelt Understanding-what exactly does this mean? Well, it is a pretty easy concept to grasp, not so simple in the execution for some. You see, heartfelt understanding involves a few steps:
Putting your partner first–this means that it doesn’t matter what YOU want or think you need, it is 100% about their needs, wants, and desires. When you can approach your partner from this place of “ego checked at the door”, you can truly listen to them, understand them, empathize with them, and even want to give them more. When we think about ourselves or what we need or what we are comfortable doing for our partner, we are on a slippery slope to heartache. When confronted with a challenge in your relationship, instead of approaching it from a place of ego or selfish communication, take a step back, think to yourself, ” I love you too much to hurt you and I will be careful in my word choice, my actions and reactions, and my demeanor with you.”
Creating heartfelt emotions-this means we are creating the emotions in our heart, not in our head. When our partner really needs us, whether it be emotionally, spiritually, physically, or in any other way, it is important to really feel the way they are feeling or at the very least be empathetic to their feelings. This can be difficult if it is a heated conversation or even a “storm” as I call them. When the “storm” hits, men, you have to hold firm, know that the root of the challenge is probably not you, and she just needs you to be there–be her ROCK in this “storm”. Let whatever she is saying just wash over (or perhaps blow over) you as she just gets it all out, and for goodness sake, DO NOT TRY TO FIX IT! She just needs to vent, she doesn’t want or need you to fix it or even attempt to fix it with words or actions. Just be there, hold her, and let her melt into you when the “storm” passes.
Sharing, listening, and learning-this means exactly what it says-when she is “storming” you are listening and learning how she communicates, how she likes you to react, and for you, when the storm is over, you should share with her how the “storm” and the calm afterwards made you feel–in positive language, of course! Using phrases like, ” I am so happy I could be there for you, though the storm was pretty intense, I know you needed me, and I want you to know you can always count on me.” Or something to that effect-just make sure it is authentic and real. This vulnerability that each of you shows in these moments of challenge are paramount to building trust, and with trust comes intimacy, and with intimacy comes even more passion!
Aligning your vision-this means you both take what happened, what thoughts and ideas were shared, and you discuss how it impacts you as a couple, and how you would like to meet the challenge or deal with the issue. This is incredibly important especially after a potentially heated exchange, so that both parties feel understood, heard, and valued.
Act of love- you ALWAYS end a challenging communication, “storm”, or heated exchange with an act of love, whether it be a kiss and hug, a cuddle session, a lovemaking session, or what ever act you choose. It is important to anchor the positive outcome that you just experienced, and this will really drill it home for the both of you.
Some questions that I would like you to ask yourself and also use these for your “state of the union meeting” this week:
What has to happen for you to feel loved?
What tactile, verbal, visual things do you have to experience to know you are loved?
What about for your partner?
When you are happy with your spouse, how do you let them know?
Is this their modality for feeling loved and appreciated?
How could you improve how you show your appreciation?